Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.

Dreams Suck

Last night I dreamed I had you.

You were a little girl.

I named you Nora.

You were tiny and you had tiny hands.

You were so smart.

You were perfect.

You were you.

You had never left me.

Then I woke up.

You were not here.

I am.

I didn't get out of bed until 2 today,

hoping I might fall asleep and see you again.

:/

19 Mondays.

Rough week Little One.

I have missed you.

Daddy has missed you too.

Our friends just had a baby.

She is beautiful.

It is hard not to see the pictures and be reminded that we would of had you soon.

I need it to be easier.

It's not looking that way.

:(

Ah it's another one of those days..

I am having another one of those days today.

I can't shake this feeling of loss.

I miss you.

The world keeps going.

Spinning,

Laughing,

Living.

So Must I.

This is harder than I ever would have imagined.

It is worse lately than it has been.

:/

:/

I miss you so freakin much today.

I am here.

You are not

I am angry.

I work with a girl that is pregnant and shes been getting high.

I would have done everything to make it so that I could of had you.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit now.

If the world asks, I am not in my room with the curtains pulled and the door shut listening to Everclear and crying. It has been 18 weeks.

My heart is still breaking.

Somedays it is getting harder to pretend I am ok.

Somedays I don't want to.

Before I had beliefs that I knew were the truth.

You do the right thing and good things will happen for you.

I always donate a dollar for the charities at the stores.

I open doors for old people.

I do EVERYTHING anyone asks me to do

I never say no.

I have given people the food in my cabinets so they wouldn't go hungry.

I do not do drugs.

I rarely drank.

I do not smoke, gamble or steal.

All I asked for was you.

and I lost you.

This Karmatic system that I have based my life's morals and beliefs around is flawed.

useless.

Smoke crack.

Steal.

Throw rocks at the elderly.

You shall prosper.

At this moment I don't believe in anything.

I did.

Now my heart is hollow.

Today

I thought of you bunch today. I haven't cried as much as I usually do but that doesn't mean I don't miss you. This week you would of been the size of a loaf of bread. You would have been wiggling your fingers and toes. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel.

17 Mondays..

It's been 17 Mondays tomorrow..

I'm still here.

I guess that's how this works.

I am here and you are not.

:(