My Life in 30 Days

Day Five: Your favorite quote

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.Mark Twain

My Life in 30 Days

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Odd Thomas has to be my favorite series by far. Odd is just a simple fry cook trying to live a simple life. Plus, he see ghost and hangs out with Elvis... He has one true love and he is just an all around good person.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

I love Criminal Minds. Plain and simple. Reid and Morgan are total hotties and you never know how things are going to play out. Reid also has Aspergers on the show so he reminds me a lot of my little brother just with the tons of info that he stores in his brain. I have a friend and sometimes at night we watch it from where ever we are and text each other about whats going on.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 02 — Your favorite movie:

My favorite movie of all time is Gone with the Wind!!! Scarlett is always chasing things that will not make her happy and ignoring the things that will. Plus, she slaps people a lot. She was a diva and by some definitions a bitch. She knew how to get what she wanted even if they were sometimes by the wrong means.

My Life in 30 days.

Day One- My Favorite Song.

Would have to be No Rain- Blind melon. This song always reminds me of me :)

Was my face RED Wednesday!

If you have ever watched the Patty Duke Show you might understand how this could be possible. When I was in my mid- teens I had long blonde hair. My cousin Dale, also had long blonde hair of the exact same shade. I do not look like a man and he does not look like a woman. For some reason though, at that point in our lives, we looked exactly the same.

Dale did the mowing at the place where we lived at that point in time and he also did a lot of the repairs for our landlord. If anyone needed anything worked on Dale was usually the person that they would tell to make sure it would get fixed because our landlord was older and tended to forget.

One afternoon I had been out walking and noticed that one of our not so bad looking, new teenage neighbors was flagging me down. Me, being the hormonal 16 year old I was, thought that he wanted to talk to me because maybe he thought I was cute.

I walked over all giggly because hey thing older guy was wanting to talk to ME!!! I get over there and he looks at me and says "Oh. I thought you were that guy that does the mowing. The sinks broke."
I was crushed. The new hot neighbor guy had mistaken me for Handy Manny.

Over the years we both had similar experiences. People that worked for my Step Dad often confused us or said they knew we had to be twins or at least brother and sister. As we have gotten older my hair has darkened and he lost a bet once and had to cut his off and has kept it that way ever since. For awhile there we were Identical Cousins :)

16 Mondays.

I know it's pretty sad but that's how I measure life now. I survived until another Monday. I felt bad earlier because they blurred together and I couldn't remember if it was 15 or 16. I have a pretty warped process now. I look at the pictures of how far you would of been this week. I learn what development you would have made and how big you would have been. This week you would have been the size of an ear of corn. Last week you would have developed the sense of taste. I guess I count the Mondays to prove that I did keep living even though life froze. I am still here regardless but I wish you were too. I guess after awhile I will quit counting until then I will come here and cry and write about you then go back to pretending I am ok.

Renni

IDK...

Am I feeling better? IDK.
Am I happy again? IDK...
I pretend I am for the sake of others. It's funny there are days that I forget for a split second to pretend I am ok. It's like a mask I guess. It's just as much a part of my uniform as my name tag but sometimes for a split second I forget..
For his sake I do try to not cry all the freakin time which believe me is no easy feat. Mostly I am depressed on Mondays and at least can attempt to be half way normal the rest of the week. I have noticed that things really don't matter as much. There are things in this world that matter and there aren't dollar signs attached to them.
Will I ever be the old me again ? IDk
To be honest I don't remember her.
Work, sales and making everyone else happy is all that mattered to her.
I have to say now that there is more to life than having a pefect labor percentage and pleasing people who don't really give a damn.
My boss asked me the other day along with the rest of our management team "Is this the job you WANT to do?" Honestly No. No one is 10 and draws a picture wanting to be a manager at a restaurant when they grow up. They want to be doctors and teachers. I want to be a Mommy. I want to tie tiny shoe laces and be forced to sit through bad talent shows. I want to read bedtime stories and when they get older foil their plans to party and have misadventures.
What's the rush? You're still young! It will happen when the time is right!
When you are young and already have fertility problems it doesn't get easier as you get older.
I know so many women that just use their children as money magnets. They have baby after baby just to see what kind of assistance they can get. They don't really care about the children. They don't take care of them nor do they really care much about them.
I would like to see this force that took my baby because it wasn't our time yet but allows a crackwhore to have 10 children that will never be taken care of.
Am I angry? Hell yes.
To be honest I really at this point am questioning everything I once believed.
Will I ever be the same? IDK...
Probably not. But who ever stays the same?
Isn't there always something horrible or amazing or it my case, a little bit of both, that changes us into who we were meant to be?
IDk...

!2 Mondays

tomorrow will be the 12th Monday since I lost you. I would say on some level I am actually doing better. It's still hard knowing but i shall survive. I guess losing you just made everything else that I used to think mattered seem trivial. One day when I have my crazy hippy commune and a yard full of kids I will think of you as a beginning. Until then I am trying to not remember you as a loss but as something I was blessed to share. today is mother's day. And I know for a brief little while I was someone's mommy :)

9 Mondays

It has been 9 Mondays since I lost the baby. 9. I would like to tell myself and others that I am fine and that I am doing really well. I do not cry as much but that's not to say that it doesn't take every fiber of my being not to. For so long all I wanted was a baby but now to be honest I don't think I could take another loss. To try and succeed is one thing but to try and loose another baby would just crush me. We are considering adoption but he is the end of his bloodline and wants a boy of his own to carry on his name. I hope for better. I am still waiting for my heart to stop feeling like it is plastered together with tiny dots of super glue and might burst any second. I see it when I close my eyes and every Monday I do everything I can to keep my self glued together. Monday. That's how he refers to it. "Did you tell your mom about Monday?"..."I told my mom about Monday." I am under to impression that there will come a time when I stop counting Mondays but it is baby season and I am surrounded by pregnant friends that are having showers that I must grit my teeth and survive and I see their ultra sound pictures and all I can think is you would of told us what you were this month or we would of been picking names. You would of been here in September. I asked my friend Janet when it would stop feeling like my heart was missing and she said never. My MIL asked us if we were going to keep trying...I don't really know that we were ever really trying.
I am better,but not healed.
Hope all is well
Renni...