23 Mondays

My little one you would have been here so soon! I am late this week. It's starting to be habit isn't it? I miss you so much but I am getting better I think. I can be alone with my thoughts and not pick up a bottle so I guess that's a start. Daddy and I are going to make something for you. Well for us mainly so that you will be remembered and not forgotten and a we will have a spot to unload our sorrow. You are going to have a new cousin! Neme's youngest sister is preggers. She'll be an awesome Mommy. I have done really good this week. I don't feel as guilty when I am happy. I guess it's a start. I signed up for CNA classes this week. I need a change. I am hoping to go on for my RN and work with babies. I can't do old people. Babies are beginnings not ends and I do not know how much loss I could handle. I had a good day yesterday. A real good day not the ones where I fake ok for everyone else. Not one where I smiled to faces and hid in the freezer and cried. I was happy and I thought to myself that it felt odd for it to be real and not fake. I had almost lost that sensation. I am sorry that I did not get to meet you. Neme is having a hard time too but we will survive this we don't really have a choice. Well this depression thing is kicking my ass pretty hard. Plus, it's hard to write through tears. Next Tuesday is my birthday. God that's an awful word. I am going to take a nap now. All I seem to want to do anymore I <3 you and miss you sooooo much

- Me.

21 mondays at 22 mondays

I did not post to you this week. Does that make me horrible? I missed you. We talked about you alot. Someone asked me if when Neme and I were going to have one and I told them about you. This woulda been week 31 baby bug. You would of weighed around 3.3 pounds. You would have started getting chubby because your body would start storing more fat. You would have almost been here. We would have been painting your room and picking out names. I miss you today and forever.

20 Mondays.

This week you would have been the size of a Chinese cabbage. You would of had eyelashes. You would of been able to see light.

I miss you so much I can't stand it.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I just want to lock the doors and hide from the world.

Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.

But Renni you couldn't possibly be depressed enough right now...

My little ray of sunshine today

I have been friends with this guy for 9 years

He is angry because I am dating Neme

Him: wtf does msn not allow blocking anymore

ME: obviously not.

ME: sorry.

Him: i had you deleted and you can still message me and i dont see a place to block you.

Living the dream folks.

Dreams Suck

Last night I dreamed I had you.

You were a little girl.

I named you Nora.

You were tiny and you had tiny hands.

You were so smart.

You were perfect.

You were you.

You had never left me.

Then I woke up.

You were not here.

I am.

I didn't get out of bed until 2 today,

hoping I might fall asleep and see you again.

:/

My Life in 30 Days

Day 19: Your favorite poem

Well this is a song version of my favorite poem.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 18 :Something you are afraid of:

I can not swim.

On multiple occasions different people have tried to teach me.

This usually ends badly.

They try the whole throw me in thing,

I panic,

and about drown us both.

The thought of drowning is terrifying to me.

If I can not touch the bottom I panic.

I am perfectly happy getting my toes wet and staying in the shallow water.

Is what I posted on FB as my reply to this topic today.

Realistically, this is a fear of mine.

It's PG enough to post there.

People will laugh and go on.

My biggest fear is that it will happen again.

That I will lose another one.

That we will that never have a baby of our own.

I could not handle another loss of that magnitude.

I won't drink now.

Just in case.

Because I cannot have that on my shoulders.

19 Mondays.

Rough week Little One.

I have missed you.

Daddy has missed you too.

Our friends just had a baby.

She is beautiful.

It is hard not to see the pictures and be reminded that we would of had you soon.

I need it to be easier.

It's not looking that way.

:(

My Life in 30 Days

Day 17: A vacation you remember most. When I was about 16 Mom (pregnant with Tallen) and Earl loaded us up and took us on a vacation. We went to Natural Bridge, Dixie Caverns and Fairy Stone. Kota terrorized my sisters and everywhere we went people thought Selly was mine.. Fun times :) It was a fun trip though