I just don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I <3 you.

The Last Monday

Monday Grace Nemecek.

That is what I would have written as your name this week.

You were a tiny angel when you left me.

I only got to cook you for 9 weeks before you were gone.

We love you so much.

You would have had My uncontrollably curly hair that was your Grandma Dawna's first.

You would have had your Daddy's eyes that are so blue they look like water.

You would have had tiny hands like me,

and

A Perfectly symmetric face.

We would have argued over who's nose you had.

Hopefully mine because its tiny.

You would have loved the same books that I do.

You would have had your Daddy wrapped.

You would have sang and danced

You would have been a princess for Halloween .

Your room would have been pink and teal even though your Grandma says those are Easter colors.

We would have played dress up.

I would have painted our nails to match.

When your were older you would have drove your Daddy crazy with boys.

He would of checked the car top to bottom every time you went to leave just to be sure.

There would have been report cards and school plays.

We would have shopped for prom dresses and shoes.

You would have loved to read like me and been a great cook like Daddy.

I miss you so much.

I miss who you should have gotten to be.

We both do.

Happy Birthday,

Monday again

My little one,

you would of been here by next week.

But you won't

I find it hard to breathe anymore.

I miss you so much.

I see babies everywhere.

I wanted to get to hold you.

Life isn't fair.

The God I used to believe in isnt always fair I guess.

I dont know how much longer I can take this.

I feel like my heart is missing.

my little one...

It has been Six whole months since you lefts us.

God i miss you so much.

miss is such a little word to describe how my heart is still shattered in tiny pieces.

in a little less than two weeks you would have been here. We would have gotten to meet you. to

count tiny toes and fingers.

argue over who you looked like more.

I carved your name in the tower at ground hog mtn.

I dreamed you were still with me the other night at that all this was just the dream.

I woke up.

i have to remind myself to breathe.

im so tired of pretending i am still alive.

that Renni still exists.

Some days people will say that im not acting like Renni...whats wrong?

Honestly I dont remember her

.

I dont remember waking up and not wishing i could have 5 more minutes worth of dream with

you.

I dont remember having to tell myself to breath or force myself to get up before 3pm...

I am so angry at everything i thought was real

and i am devastated at how everything worked out.

I feel like my heart is missing....

Well i have to go fake being alive.

i just wish i could of held you

23 Mondays

My little one you would have been here so soon! I am late this week. It's starting to be habit isn't it? I miss you so much but I am getting better I think. I can be alone with my thoughts and not pick up a bottle so I guess that's a start. Daddy and I are going to make something for you. Well for us mainly so that you will be remembered and not forgotten and a we will have a spot to unload our sorrow. You are going to have a new cousin! Neme's youngest sister is preggers. She'll be an awesome Mommy. I have done really good this week. I don't feel as guilty when I am happy. I guess it's a start. I signed up for CNA classes this week. I need a change. I am hoping to go on for my RN and work with babies. I can't do old people. Babies are beginnings not ends and I do not know how much loss I could handle. I had a good day yesterday. A real good day not the ones where I fake ok for everyone else. Not one where I smiled to faces and hid in the freezer and cried. I was happy and I thought to myself that it felt odd for it to be real and not fake. I had almost lost that sensation. I am sorry that I did not get to meet you. Neme is having a hard time too but we will survive this we don't really have a choice. Well this depression thing is kicking my ass pretty hard. Plus, it's hard to write through tears. Next Tuesday is my birthday. God that's an awful word. I am going to take a nap now. All I seem to want to do anymore I <3 you and miss you sooooo much

- Me.

21 mondays at 22 mondays

I did not post to you this week. Does that make me horrible? I missed you. We talked about you alot. Someone asked me if when Neme and I were going to have one and I told them about you. This woulda been week 31 baby bug. You would of weighed around 3.3 pounds. You would have started getting chubby because your body would start storing more fat. You would have almost been here. We would have been painting your room and picking out names. I miss you today and forever.

20 Mondays.

This week you would have been the size of a Chinese cabbage. You would of had eyelashes. You would of been able to see light.

I miss you so much I can't stand it.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I just want to lock the doors and hide from the world.

Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.

But Renni you couldn't possibly be depressed enough right now...

My little ray of sunshine today

I have been friends with this guy for 9 years

He is angry because I am dating Neme

Him: wtf does msn not allow blocking anymore

ME: obviously not.

ME: sorry.

Him: i had you deleted and you can still message me and i dont see a place to block you.

Living the dream folks.

Dreams Suck

Last night I dreamed I had you.

You were a little girl.

I named you Nora.

You were tiny and you had tiny hands.

You were so smart.

You were perfect.

You were you.

You had never left me.

Then I woke up.

You were not here.

I am.

I didn't get out of bed until 2 today,

hoping I might fall asleep and see you again.

:/