Bah Hum Bug!

43 Mondays
I have ALWAYS put up a tree for Christmas since I have been on my own.

Not this year.

I don't find anything Merry about this Christmas.

I should have a 3 month old.

I should be pregnant.

We should be wrapping presents and taking her to see Christmas lights

Neme had a rough time at the Christmas Party at work tonight.

Our friends were playing with their little boy 

He is only a month older than Monday would be.

I guess it made him realize you should have been there too.

We came home and sat in the car for awhile talking about how robbed we feel.

Robbed of two lives that never got a chance.

He said he just wanted to curl up in bed and stay there forever.

Me too.

I have these dreams that get worse everytime.

There is always this tiny baby way too little to be alive and she is always moving but when I pick her up she turns blue and there is nothing that I can do to save her.

Imagine that everytime you close your eyes.

Neme quit smoking this week

He is on day 5 of no nicotine.

He also starts school in January. I am so proud of him.

We are good people.

I guess thats why it stings so bad.

too much loss too soon