A year.

I lost my baby a year ago.

a year.

365 days

52 mondays.

I wanted to stay home and drown my self in a bottle of jack..

Instead I shall be forced to work

I miss

you

So

fuckin

much

I am numb.

My lap is empty.

My heart is hollow.

this is hard.

I miss my babies.

There just feels like there is a giant hole in my heart that no amount of happy or trying to move on is ever going to fill.

What I wish I had known about miscarriage

There are so many things that I wish I had known a year ago.

I wish I had realized that there was a precious being living inside me. 

I wish I had known that you should take pre natal vitamins should be taken BEFORE you try/ get pregnant because sometimes you have no idea you are pregnant.

Here are a few things that I learned that I think others should know

There is NOTHING you can do to prepare yourself for the amount of insanity that follows a miscarriage.

Sometimes these things just happen. It's not your fault. It's not God's fault. Someone once told me that you can't blame God for an act of nature.

On the other hand when I lost Monday I started questioning the whole God thing.

I started questioning EVERYTHING.

I just wanted to melt into nothing and never leave my bed other than to fetch a new bottle of booze.

Name your baby.

You feel less crazy mourning a person than a maybe.

No other baby will ever be the baby you lost.

Another baby will be it's own person and will make you happy but you will always remember the babies you didn't get the chance to keep.

Just because your man isn't having a nervous breakdown in the baby department doesn't mean he isn't sad or that he doesn't care. They mourn differently.

They say that a man doesn't actually bond until they hold their baby. As women we carry them. Grow them. Protect them from day one so we automatically are bonded.

A lot of women experience miscarriage. No one talks about it.

You are not alone.

Once you lose your baby there will be like 400 pregnant people around you. Send gifts ,avoid functions.

There is nothing more traumatic than having to sit through the celebration of another person's successful pregnancy.

That being said. Hold the babies. As a person that has lost 2 babies I need to be able to hold live ones. I need to see that sometimes they survive.

I have 2 friends that were a month a head of me in their pregnancies it is hard as hell to hear about the milestones because all I can think is " Monday would be crawling. She  would laugh. She would be saying  Mama."

Plant a tree or something so you have a place to mourn.

We carved her name in a tower and when we are having an especially hard time we go there.

It takes time to heal.

Take that time.

Don't rush yourself. There is no set amount of time you should be over this.

If someone's child was hit by a bus would expect them to be over it in a month?

No.

You lost a child.

Give yourself that break.

Sometimes I buy those little dollar donation things at stores and write her name on them.

I hope someone finds this helpful

Renni.

44.

We got to watch all the other children today.

Not yall though cause you weren't here.

Merry Christmas in Heaven babies :)

Bah Hum Bug!

43 Mondays
I have ALWAYS put up a tree for Christmas since I have been on my own.

Not this year.

I don't find anything Merry about this Christmas.

I should have a 3 month old.

I should be pregnant.

We should be wrapping presents and taking her to see Christmas lights

Neme had a rough time at the Christmas Party at work tonight.

Our friends were playing with their little boy 

He is only a month older than Monday would be.

I guess it made him realize you should have been there too.

We came home and sat in the car for awhile talking about how robbed we feel.

Robbed of two lives that never got a chance.

He said he just wanted to curl up in bed and stay there forever.

Me too.

I have these dreams that get worse everytime.

There is always this tiny baby way too little to be alive and she is always moving but when I pick her up she turns blue and there is nothing that I can do to save her.

Imagine that everytime you close your eyes.

Neme quit smoking this week

He is on day 5 of no nicotine.

He also starts school in January. I am so proud of him.

We are good people.

I guess thats why it stings so bad.

too much loss too soon 

Happy Thanksgiving!

This should be Monday's first Thanksgiving.

I should have another baby on the way.

I am thankful I got to have you both for the short time that I did.

The holidays are hard.

I miss you.

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven.

Happy Birthday

When I was little I didn't know my Dad.

My parents re-married and each went on to have more children.

My Dad had a Son, my brother, that I never met.

He had cancer and passed when he was almost 3.

I have spent the last 15 years wondering what he was like.

He would have been 18 today.

I can't help but wonder what he would have been like.

Today at work the girls came and asked me to help sing happy birthday to this guy.

His Mom thought it would be neat since he was turning 18 today

Me, not being in the birthday mood, hesitantly asked what his name was since "happy birthday dear whatever your name is" doesn't have the same effect.

He had the same name as my brother.

Ironic?

Yes

Who else would that happen to?

Needless to say I did not sing with the girls.

I did however make a personal chocolate cake like thing and have the guys write happy birthday on it for him.

We even found some candles.

I know that without ever meeting my little ones I miss them more than I can take some days. I cannot even begin to comprehend meeting your baby only to have to give it back.

Happy Birthday.

Thank you for keeping my little ones company until we get to meet.

I forgot.

I forgot today was Monday.

I forgot to stay up all night crying.

Im sorry.

here.

I am here.

That is the nicest way of putting it.

I miss you so much.

I am empty inside.

Numb.

Almost dead.

You would have been a week old.

It's 2:50 am and Neme is asleep.

I wish I would be hit by a bus

I think it would hurt less.

I am sitting here in the dark

Crying for the 32nd Monday in a row.

Wishing I was normal again.

Wishing life was fair.

I am not ok.

I am Not ok.

I am NOT ok.

I WANT MY BABY .

It has been 32 weeks

21 weeks more than you were allowed to live.

I am finding it hard not to be bitter.

I was at work this morning and I thought of you.

I had to hide in the ladies room until I stopped crying and go back to pretending that I was alive.

This is not living.

I miss you so much

I just don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I <3 you.

The Last Monday

Monday Grace Nemecek.

That is what I would have written as your name this week.

You were a tiny angel when you left me.

I only got to cook you for 9 weeks before you were gone.

We love you so much.

You would have had My uncontrollably curly hair that was your Grandma Dawna's first.

You would have had your Daddy's eyes that are so blue they look like water.

You would have had tiny hands like me,

and

A Perfectly symmetric face.

We would have argued over who's nose you had.

Hopefully mine because its tiny.

You would have loved the same books that I do.

You would have had your Daddy wrapped.

You would have sang and danced

You would have been a princess for Halloween .

Your room would have been pink and teal even though your Grandma says those are Easter colors.

We would have played dress up.

I would have painted our nails to match.

When your were older you would have drove your Daddy crazy with boys.

He would of checked the car top to bottom every time you went to leave just to be sure.

There would have been report cards and school plays.

We would have shopped for prom dresses and shoes.

You would have loved to read like me and been a great cook like Daddy.

I miss you so much.

I miss who you should have gotten to be.

We both do.

Happy Birthday,

Monday again

My little one,

you would of been here by next week.

But you won't

I find it hard to breathe anymore.

I miss you so much.

I see babies everywhere.

I wanted to get to hold you.

Life isn't fair.

The God I used to believe in isnt always fair I guess.

I dont know how much longer I can take this.

I feel like my heart is missing.

my little one...

It has been Six whole months since you lefts us.

God i miss you so much.

miss is such a little word to describe how my heart is still shattered in tiny pieces.

in a little less than two weeks you would have been here. We would have gotten to meet you. to

count tiny toes and fingers.

argue over who you looked like more.

I carved your name in the tower at ground hog mtn.

I dreamed you were still with me the other night at that all this was just the dream.

I woke up.

i have to remind myself to breathe.

im so tired of pretending i am still alive.

that Renni still exists.

Some days people will say that im not acting like Renni...whats wrong?

Honestly I dont remember her

.

I dont remember waking up and not wishing i could have 5 more minutes worth of dream with

you.

I dont remember having to tell myself to breath or force myself to get up before 3pm...

I am so angry at everything i thought was real

and i am devastated at how everything worked out.

I feel like my heart is missing....

Well i have to go fake being alive.

i just wish i could of held you

23 Mondays

My little one you would have been here so soon! I am late this week. It's starting to be habit isn't it? I miss you so much but I am getting better I think. I can be alone with my thoughts and not pick up a bottle so I guess that's a start. Daddy and I are going to make something for you. Well for us mainly so that you will be remembered and not forgotten and a we will have a spot to unload our sorrow. You are going to have a new cousin! Neme's youngest sister is preggers. She'll be an awesome Mommy. I have done really good this week. I don't feel as guilty when I am happy. I guess it's a start. I signed up for CNA classes this week. I need a change. I am hoping to go on for my RN and work with babies. I can't do old people. Babies are beginnings not ends and I do not know how much loss I could handle. I had a good day yesterday. A real good day not the ones where I fake ok for everyone else. Not one where I smiled to faces and hid in the freezer and cried. I was happy and I thought to myself that it felt odd for it to be real and not fake. I had almost lost that sensation. I am sorry that I did not get to meet you. Neme is having a hard time too but we will survive this we don't really have a choice. Well this depression thing is kicking my ass pretty hard. Plus, it's hard to write through tears. Next Tuesday is my birthday. God that's an awful word. I am going to take a nap now. All I seem to want to do anymore I <3 you and miss you sooooo much

- Me.

21 mondays at 22 mondays

I did not post to you this week. Does that make me horrible? I missed you. We talked about you alot. Someone asked me if when Neme and I were going to have one and I told them about you. This woulda been week 31 baby bug. You would of weighed around 3.3 pounds. You would have started getting chubby because your body would start storing more fat. You would have almost been here. We would have been painting your room and picking out names. I miss you today and forever.

20 Mondays.

This week you would have been the size of a Chinese cabbage. You would of had eyelashes. You would of been able to see light.

I miss you so much I can't stand it.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I just want to lock the doors and hide from the world.

Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.

But Renni you couldn't possibly be depressed enough right now...

My little ray of sunshine today

I have been friends with this guy for 9 years

He is angry because I am dating Neme

Him: wtf does msn not allow blocking anymore

ME: obviously not.

ME: sorry.

Him: i had you deleted and you can still message me and i dont see a place to block you.

Living the dream folks.

Dreams Suck

Last night I dreamed I had you.

You were a little girl.

I named you Nora.

You were tiny and you had tiny hands.

You were so smart.

You were perfect.

You were you.

You had never left me.

Then I woke up.

You were not here.

I am.

I didn't get out of bed until 2 today,

hoping I might fall asleep and see you again.

:/