Thursday, April 21, 2011

9 Mondays

It has been 9 Mondays since I lost the baby. 9. I would like to tell myself and others that I am fine and that I am doing really well. I do not cry as much but that's not to say that it doesn't take every fiber of my being not to. For so long all I wanted was a baby but now to be honest I don't think I could take another loss. To try and succeed is one thing but to try and loose another baby would just crush me. We are considering adoption but he is the end of his bloodline and wants a boy of his own to carry on his name. I hope for better. I am still waiting for my heart to stop feeling like it is plastered together with tiny dots of super glue and might burst any second. I see it when I close my eyes and every Monday I do everything I can to keep my self glued together. Monday. That's how he refers to it. "Did you tell your mom about Monday?"..."I told my mom about Monday." I am under to impression that there will come a time when I stop counting Mondays but it is baby season and I am surrounded by pregnant friends that are having showers that I must grit my teeth and survive and I see their ultra sound pictures and all I can think is you would of told us what you were this month or we would of been picking names. You would of been here in September. I asked my friend Janet when it would stop feeling like my heart was missing and she said never. My MIL asked us if we were going to keep trying...I don't really know that we were ever really trying.
I am better,but not healed.
Hope all is well