23 Mondays

My little one you would have been here so soon! I am late this week. It's starting to be habit isn't it? I miss you so much but I am getting better I think. I can be alone with my thoughts and not pick up a bottle so I guess that's a start. Daddy and I are going to make something for you. Well for us mainly so that you will be remembered and not forgotten and a we will have a spot to unload our sorrow. You are going to have a new cousin! Neme's youngest sister is preggers. She'll be an awesome Mommy. I have done really good this week. I don't feel as guilty when I am happy. I guess it's a start. I signed up for CNA classes this week. I need a change. I am hoping to go on for my RN and work with babies. I can't do old people. Babies are beginnings not ends and I do not know how much loss I could handle. I had a good day yesterday. A real good day not the ones where I fake ok for everyone else. Not one where I smiled to faces and hid in the freezer and cried. I was happy and I thought to myself that it felt odd for it to be real and not fake. I had almost lost that sensation. I am sorry that I did not get to meet you. Neme is having a hard time too but we will survive this we don't really have a choice. Well this depression thing is kicking my ass pretty hard. Plus, it's hard to write through tears. Next Tuesday is my birthday. God that's an awful word. I am going to take a nap now. All I seem to want to do anymore I <3 you and miss you sooooo much

- Me.

21 mondays at 22 mondays

I did not post to you this week. Does that make me horrible? I missed you. We talked about you alot. Someone asked me if when Neme and I were going to have one and I told them about you. This woulda been week 31 baby bug. You would of weighed around 3.3 pounds. You would have started getting chubby because your body would start storing more fat. You would have almost been here. We would have been painting your room and picking out names. I miss you today and forever.

20 Mondays.

This week you would have been the size of a Chinese cabbage. You would of had eyelashes. You would of been able to see light.

I miss you so much I can't stand it.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I just want to lock the doors and hide from the world.

Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.