Saturday, June 4, 2011


Am I feeling better? IDK.
Am I happy again? IDK...
I pretend I am for the sake of others. It's funny there are days that I forget for a split second to pretend I am ok. It's like a mask I guess. It's just as much a part of my uniform as my name tag but sometimes for a split second I forget..
For his sake I do try to not cry all the freakin time which believe me is no easy feat. Mostly I am depressed on Mondays and at least can attempt to be half way normal the rest of the week. I have noticed that things really don't matter as much. There are things in this world that matter and there aren't dollar signs attached to them.
Will I ever be the old me again ? IDk
To be honest I don't remember her.
Work, sales and making everyone else happy is all that mattered to her.
I have to say now that there is more to life than having a pefect labor percentage and pleasing people who don't really give a damn.
My boss asked me the other day along with the rest of our management team "Is this the job you WANT to do?" Honestly No. No one is 10 and draws a picture wanting to be a manager at a restaurant when they grow up. They want to be doctors and teachers. I want to be a Mommy. I want to tie tiny shoe laces and be forced to sit through bad talent shows. I want to read bedtime stories and when they get older foil their plans to party and have misadventures.
What's the rush? You're still young! It will happen when the time is right!
When you are young and already have fertility problems it doesn't get easier as you get older.
I know so many women that just use their children as money magnets. They have baby after baby just to see what kind of assistance they can get. They don't really care about the children. They don't take care of them nor do they really care much about them.
I would like to see this force that took my baby because it wasn't our time yet but allows a crackwhore to have 10 children that will never be taken care of.
Am I angry? Hell yes.
To be honest I really at this point am questioning everything I once believed.
Will I ever be the same? IDK...
Probably not. But who ever stays the same?
Isn't there always something horrible or amazing or it my case, a little bit of both, that changes us into who we were meant to be?

No comments:

Post a Comment