44.

We got to watch all the other children today.

Not yall though cause you weren't here.

Merry Christmas in Heaven babies :)

Bah Hum Bug!

43 Mondays
I have ALWAYS put up a tree for Christmas since I have been on my own.

Not this year.

I don't find anything Merry about this Christmas.

I should have a 3 month old.

I should be pregnant.

We should be wrapping presents and taking her to see Christmas lights

Neme had a rough time at the Christmas Party at work tonight.

Our friends were playing with their little boy 

He is only a month older than Monday would be.

I guess it made him realize you should have been there too.

We came home and sat in the car for awhile talking about how robbed we feel.

Robbed of two lives that never got a chance.

He said he just wanted to curl up in bed and stay there forever.

Me too.

I have these dreams that get worse everytime.

There is always this tiny baby way too little to be alive and she is always moving but when I pick her up she turns blue and there is nothing that I can do to save her.

Imagine that everytime you close your eyes.

Neme quit smoking this week

He is on day 5 of no nicotine.

He also starts school in January. I am so proud of him.

We are good people.

I guess thats why it stings so bad.

too much loss too soon 

Happy Thanksgiving!

This should be Monday's first Thanksgiving.

I should have another baby on the way.

I am thankful I got to have you both for the short time that I did.

The holidays are hard.

I miss you.

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven.

Happy Birthday

When I was little I didn't know my Dad.

My parents re-married and each went on to have more children.

My Dad had a Son, my brother, that I never met.

He had cancer and passed when he was almost 3.

I have spent the last 15 years wondering what he was like.

He would have been 18 today.

I can't help but wonder what he would have been like.

Today at work the girls came and asked me to help sing happy birthday to this guy.

His Mom thought it would be neat since he was turning 18 today

Me, not being in the birthday mood, hesitantly asked what his name was since "happy birthday dear whatever your name is" doesn't have the same effect.

He had the same name as my brother.

Ironic?

Yes

Who else would that happen to?

Needless to say I did not sing with the girls.

I did however make a personal chocolate cake like thing and have the guys write happy birthday on it for him.

We even found some candles.

I know that without ever meeting my little ones I miss them more than I can take some days. I cannot even begin to comprehend meeting your baby only to have to give it back.

Happy Birthday.

Thank you for keeping my little ones company until we get to meet.

I forgot.

I forgot today was Monday.

I forgot to stay up all night crying.

Im sorry.

here.

I am here.

That is the nicest way of putting it.

I miss you so much.

I am empty inside.

Numb.

Almost dead.

You would have been a week old.

It's 2:50 am and Neme is asleep.

I wish I would be hit by a bus

I think it would hurt less.

I am sitting here in the dark

Crying for the 32nd Monday in a row.

Wishing I was normal again.

Wishing life was fair.

I am not ok.

I am Not ok.

I am NOT ok.

I WANT MY BABY .

It has been 32 weeks

21 weeks more than you were allowed to live.

I am finding it hard not to be bitter.

I was at work this morning and I thought of you.

I had to hide in the ladies room until I stopped crying and go back to pretending that I was alive.

This is not living.

I miss you so much

I just don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I <3 you.

The Last Monday

Monday Grace Nemecek.

That is what I would have written as your name this week.

You were a tiny angel when you left me.

I only got to cook you for 9 weeks before you were gone.

We love you so much.

You would have had My uncontrollably curly hair that was your Grandma Dawna's first.

You would have had your Daddy's eyes that are so blue they look like water.

You would have had tiny hands like me,

and

A Perfectly symmetric face.

We would have argued over who's nose you had.

Hopefully mine because its tiny.

You would have loved the same books that I do.

You would have had your Daddy wrapped.

You would have sang and danced

You would have been a princess for Halloween .

Your room would have been pink and teal even though your Grandma says those are Easter colors.

We would have played dress up.

I would have painted our nails to match.

When your were older you would have drove your Daddy crazy with boys.

He would of checked the car top to bottom every time you went to leave just to be sure.

There would have been report cards and school plays.

We would have shopped for prom dresses and shoes.

You would have loved to read like me and been a great cook like Daddy.

I miss you so much.

I miss who you should have gotten to be.

We both do.

Happy Birthday,

Monday again

My little one,

you would of been here by next week.

But you won't

I find it hard to breathe anymore.

I miss you so much.

I see babies everywhere.

I wanted to get to hold you.

Life isn't fair.

The God I used to believe in isnt always fair I guess.

I dont know how much longer I can take this.

I feel like my heart is missing.

my little one...

It has been Six whole months since you lefts us.

God i miss you so much.

miss is such a little word to describe how my heart is still shattered in tiny pieces.

in a little less than two weeks you would have been here. We would have gotten to meet you. to

count tiny toes and fingers.

argue over who you looked like more.

I carved your name in the tower at ground hog mtn.

I dreamed you were still with me the other night at that all this was just the dream.

I woke up.

i have to remind myself to breathe.

im so tired of pretending i am still alive.

that Renni still exists.

Some days people will say that im not acting like Renni...whats wrong?

Honestly I dont remember her

.

I dont remember waking up and not wishing i could have 5 more minutes worth of dream with

you.

I dont remember having to tell myself to breath or force myself to get up before 3pm...

I am so angry at everything i thought was real

and i am devastated at how everything worked out.

I feel like my heart is missing....

Well i have to go fake being alive.

i just wish i could of held you

23 Mondays

My little one you would have been here so soon! I am late this week. It's starting to be habit isn't it? I miss you so much but I am getting better I think. I can be alone with my thoughts and not pick up a bottle so I guess that's a start. Daddy and I are going to make something for you. Well for us mainly so that you will be remembered and not forgotten and a we will have a spot to unload our sorrow. You are going to have a new cousin! Neme's youngest sister is preggers. She'll be an awesome Mommy. I have done really good this week. I don't feel as guilty when I am happy. I guess it's a start. I signed up for CNA classes this week. I need a change. I am hoping to go on for my RN and work with babies. I can't do old people. Babies are beginnings not ends and I do not know how much loss I could handle. I had a good day yesterday. A real good day not the ones where I fake ok for everyone else. Not one where I smiled to faces and hid in the freezer and cried. I was happy and I thought to myself that it felt odd for it to be real and not fake. I had almost lost that sensation. I am sorry that I did not get to meet you. Neme is having a hard time too but we will survive this we don't really have a choice. Well this depression thing is kicking my ass pretty hard. Plus, it's hard to write through tears. Next Tuesday is my birthday. God that's an awful word. I am going to take a nap now. All I seem to want to do anymore I <3 you and miss you sooooo much

- Me.

21 mondays at 22 mondays

I did not post to you this week. Does that make me horrible? I missed you. We talked about you alot. Someone asked me if when Neme and I were going to have one and I told them about you. This woulda been week 31 baby bug. You would of weighed around 3.3 pounds. You would have started getting chubby because your body would start storing more fat. You would have almost been here. We would have been painting your room and picking out names. I miss you today and forever.

20 Mondays.

This week you would have been the size of a Chinese cabbage. You would of had eyelashes. You would of been able to see light.

I miss you so much I can't stand it.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.

I just want to lock the doors and hide from the world.

Little One

We went to see our friends Amanda and Jay the other day.

They just had Hunter.

He is so precious.

Even your daddy had to hold him.

In a little more than 2mos we would of had you.

This is suppose to get easier.

I have missed you the most this week.

I want a do over.

But Renni you couldn't possibly be depressed enough right now...

My little ray of sunshine today

I have been friends with this guy for 9 years

He is angry because I am dating Neme

Him: wtf does msn not allow blocking anymore

ME: obviously not.

ME: sorry.

Him: i had you deleted and you can still message me and i dont see a place to block you.

Living the dream folks.

Dreams Suck

Last night I dreamed I had you.

You were a little girl.

I named you Nora.

You were tiny and you had tiny hands.

You were so smart.

You were perfect.

You were you.

You had never left me.

Then I woke up.

You were not here.

I am.

I didn't get out of bed until 2 today,

hoping I might fall asleep and see you again.

:/

My Life in 30 Days

Day 19: Your favorite poem

Well this is a song version of my favorite poem.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 18 :Something you are afraid of:

I can not swim.

On multiple occasions different people have tried to teach me.

This usually ends badly.

They try the whole throw me in thing,

I panic,

and about drown us both.

The thought of drowning is terrifying to me.

If I can not touch the bottom I panic.

I am perfectly happy getting my toes wet and staying in the shallow water.

Is what I posted on FB as my reply to this topic today.

Realistically, this is a fear of mine.

It's PG enough to post there.

People will laugh and go on.

My biggest fear is that it will happen again.

That I will lose another one.

That we will that never have a baby of our own.

I could not handle another loss of that magnitude.

I won't drink now.

Just in case.

Because I cannot have that on my shoulders.

19 Mondays.

Rough week Little One.

I have missed you.

Daddy has missed you too.

Our friends just had a baby.

She is beautiful.

It is hard not to see the pictures and be reminded that we would of had you soon.

I need it to be easier.

It's not looking that way.

:(

My Life in 30 Days

Day 17: A vacation you remember most. When I was about 16 Mom (pregnant with Tallen) and Earl loaded us up and took us on a vacation. We went to Natural Bridge, Dixie Caverns and Fairy Stone. Kota terrorized my sisters and everywhere we went people thought Selly was mine.. Fun times :) It was a fun trip though

Ah it's another one of those days..

I am having another one of those days today.

I can't shake this feeling of loss.

I miss you.

The world keeps going.

Spinning,

Laughing,

Living.

So Must I.

This is harder than I ever would have imagined.

It is worse lately than it has been.

:/

Love, Me...

Dear Renni 4 years ago,

In the future you will be in love with an amazing man!

You will have a way better job.

You will no longer have to drive your boat :)

You will own your own home!

Take less crap from people!

Take a little more time for yourself.

Actually go back to school and quit putting it off.

Do NOT let Brandy dye your hair...it just ends up splotchy in a weird brown, purpley kinda way.

Mom is right about Jamie so just say no when Lorra tries to set you up!

Do not date your stalker.

And most importantly, eat less carbs :)

Love, well...you

My Life in 30 Days

Day 16: A song that makes you cry...

So yeah by the time it gets to the part about being 2 mos early hooked on crack I'm usually ready to cry :/

My Life in 30 Days

Day 16- Whatever tickles your fancy- When I was in 3rd grade I was in love with Hanson. Amber and I would watch their videos and listen to their music every time we had a sleep over. I remember staying up late just so I could watch them on TGIF. Neme says they sound like hamsters on crack but I keep them on my playlist because they remind me of my days as a Hanson Freak :)

My Life in 30 Days

Day 15 : A place you have always wanted to travel. I have always wanted to goto Ireland. The pictures always just make me feel like it's home :)

:/

I miss you so freakin much today.

I am here.

You are not

I am angry.

I work with a girl that is pregnant and shes been getting high.

I would have done everything to make it so that I could of had you.

I have a low tolerance for bullshit now.

If the world asks, I am not in my room with the curtains pulled and the door shut listening to Everclear and crying. It has been 18 weeks.

My heart is still breaking.

Somedays it is getting harder to pretend I am ok.

Somedays I don't want to.

Before I had beliefs that I knew were the truth.

You do the right thing and good things will happen for you.

I always donate a dollar for the charities at the stores.

I open doors for old people.

I do EVERYTHING anyone asks me to do

I never say no.

I have given people the food in my cabinets so they wouldn't go hungry.

I do not do drugs.

I rarely drank.

I do not smoke, gamble or steal.

All I asked for was you.

and I lost you.

This Karmatic system that I have based my life's morals and beliefs around is flawed.

useless.

Smoke crack.

Steal.

Throw rocks at the elderly.

You shall prosper.

At this moment I don't believe in anything.

I did.

Now my heart is hollow.

My life in 30 Days

Day 15 A song that fits your current mood/state of mind

So yeah it's been that kinda day :/

My Life in 30 Days

Day 14 : A talent that is unique to you.

I make things from duct tape :) mainly roses...

18 Mondays.

Yesterday was father's day.

Neme Talked about you some.

Since we lost you we both see things a little differently.

I feel so bad today.

I forgot it was Monday.

I forgot to write you.

I forgot to cry.

I think I am getting better.

I still miss you.

I was watching 19 Kids and counting and Anna said that she had a miscarriage and that what got her through it was being thankful.

I don't think I will ever be thankful that I lost you little one.

Though he will never hear it spoken, Happy Father's Day Neme.

This week you would have been the size of a hot house cucumber.

You would have started to hear noises and recognize my voice.

:(

My Life in 30 Days

Day 13:

A Picuture of your favorite band/ artist when you were

a teenager

He's so pretty :)

When I was a teenager I was in LOVE with Joe Nichols :)

RaWr

My boyfriend at the time took me to the Dixie Classic fair to see him and caught me TWO if his guitar picks he threw into the

crowd.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 12 - Whatever tickles your fancy.



This video always makes me laugh.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 10: A recent photo of you

This is me.

I am wearing glasses in this pic .

I hate pictures of me but I will post this one because it is the most recent of me.

I normally do not wear my glasses but this must of been a day I was driving or something.

That is all :)

My Life in 30 Days

Day 9 : A photo of you taken over 10 years ago

A photo of you taken over ten years ago. I stole this one from mama:) I was maybe 3 here. My brother Kota and I are sitting on Mama's lap and the little red headed girl was our friend Lindsay. I think this was before her birthday party or something.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 09 — A photo you took

I took this on a trip on the Blue Ridge Parkway.

This is Mabry Mill.

No.

This word "No" Looks easy enough to say.

But I have problems using it.

"Renni I know you are running late but could you bring this in with you?"

"Would you like to buy some Almond Cookies?" "I'm allergic to almonds, I'll only take one box"

"Renni I know you're at work but could you drive an hour away and get me as soon as you get off?" Sure.

Yesterday took the cake though. Someone actually asked me for me urine. Now that I think back on it I really have got to start saying no more. Who asks someone one to borrow pee? Sugar maybe. But pee?

My Life in 30 Days

Day 08 — A photo that makes you sad.

This isn't my little one. This one belonged to someone else.

This is what he looked like though.

I miss you.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 7 a picture that makes you smile:

This day was so much fun! Ross, Tallen and Tru played so much and we went down the slide and played on the swings. When you get older you forget how simple things are. The girls spent most of the day in piles of dirt building houses for ants.

Today

I thought of you bunch today. I haven't cried as much as I usually do but that doesn't mean I don't miss you. This week you would of been the size of a loaf of bread. You would have been wiggling your fingers and toes. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 6: What ever tickles your fancy!

This video makes me laugh :)

17 Mondays..

It's been 17 Mondays tomorrow..

I'm still here.

I guess that's how this works.

I am here and you are not.

:(

My Life in 30 Days

Day Five: Your favorite quote

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.Mark Twain

My Life in 30 Days

Day 04 — Your favorite book

Odd Thomas has to be my favorite series by far. Odd is just a simple fry cook trying to live a simple life. Plus, he see ghost and hangs out with Elvis... He has one true love and he is just an all around good person.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

I love Criminal Minds. Plain and simple. Reid and Morgan are total hotties and you never know how things are going to play out. Reid also has Aspergers on the show so he reminds me a lot of my little brother just with the tons of info that he stores in his brain. I have a friend and sometimes at night we watch it from where ever we are and text each other about whats going on.

My Life in 30 Days

Day 02 — Your favorite movie:

My favorite movie of all time is Gone with the Wind!!! Scarlett is always chasing things that will not make her happy and ignoring the things that will. Plus, she slaps people a lot. She was a diva and by some definitions a bitch. She knew how to get what she wanted even if they were sometimes by the wrong means.

My Life in 30 days.

Day One- My Favorite Song.

Would have to be No Rain- Blind melon. This song always reminds me of me :)

Was my face RED Wednesday!

If you have ever watched the Patty Duke Show you might understand how this could be possible. When I was in my mid- teens I had long blonde hair. My cousin Dale, also had long blonde hair of the exact same shade. I do not look like a man and he does not look like a woman. For some reason though, at that point in our lives, we looked exactly the same.

Dale did the mowing at the place where we lived at that point in time and he also did a lot of the repairs for our landlord. If anyone needed anything worked on Dale was usually the person that they would tell to make sure it would get fixed because our landlord was older and tended to forget.

One afternoon I had been out walking and noticed that one of our not so bad looking, new teenage neighbors was flagging me down. Me, being the hormonal 16 year old I was, thought that he wanted to talk to me because maybe he thought I was cute.

I walked over all giggly because hey thing older guy was wanting to talk to ME!!! I get over there and he looks at me and says "Oh. I thought you were that guy that does the mowing. The sinks broke."
I was crushed. The new hot neighbor guy had mistaken me for Handy Manny.

Over the years we both had similar experiences. People that worked for my Step Dad often confused us or said they knew we had to be twins or at least brother and sister. As we have gotten older my hair has darkened and he lost a bet once and had to cut his off and has kept it that way ever since. For awhile there we were Identical Cousins :)

16 Mondays.

I know it's pretty sad but that's how I measure life now. I survived until another Monday. I felt bad earlier because they blurred together and I couldn't remember if it was 15 or 16. I have a pretty warped process now. I look at the pictures of how far you would of been this week. I learn what development you would have made and how big you would have been. This week you would have been the size of an ear of corn. Last week you would have developed the sense of taste. I guess I count the Mondays to prove that I did keep living even though life froze. I am still here regardless but I wish you were too. I guess after awhile I will quit counting until then I will come here and cry and write about you then go back to pretending I am ok.

Renni

IDK...

Am I feeling better? IDK.
Am I happy again? IDK...
I pretend I am for the sake of others. It's funny there are days that I forget for a split second to pretend I am ok. It's like a mask I guess. It's just as much a part of my uniform as my name tag but sometimes for a split second I forget..
For his sake I do try to not cry all the freakin time which believe me is no easy feat. Mostly I am depressed on Mondays and at least can attempt to be half way normal the rest of the week. I have noticed that things really don't matter as much. There are things in this world that matter and there aren't dollar signs attached to them.
Will I ever be the old me again ? IDk
To be honest I don't remember her.
Work, sales and making everyone else happy is all that mattered to her.
I have to say now that there is more to life than having a pefect labor percentage and pleasing people who don't really give a damn.
My boss asked me the other day along with the rest of our management team "Is this the job you WANT to do?" Honestly No. No one is 10 and draws a picture wanting to be a manager at a restaurant when they grow up. They want to be doctors and teachers. I want to be a Mommy. I want to tie tiny shoe laces and be forced to sit through bad talent shows. I want to read bedtime stories and when they get older foil their plans to party and have misadventures.
What's the rush? You're still young! It will happen when the time is right!
When you are young and already have fertility problems it doesn't get easier as you get older.
I know so many women that just use their children as money magnets. They have baby after baby just to see what kind of assistance they can get. They don't really care about the children. They don't take care of them nor do they really care much about them.
I would like to see this force that took my baby because it wasn't our time yet but allows a crackwhore to have 10 children that will never be taken care of.
Am I angry? Hell yes.
To be honest I really at this point am questioning everything I once believed.
Will I ever be the same? IDK...
Probably not. But who ever stays the same?
Isn't there always something horrible or amazing or it my case, a little bit of both, that changes us into who we were meant to be?
IDk...

!2 Mondays

tomorrow will be the 12th Monday since I lost you. I would say on some level I am actually doing better. It's still hard knowing but i shall survive. I guess losing you just made everything else that I used to think mattered seem trivial. One day when I have my crazy hippy commune and a yard full of kids I will think of you as a beginning. Until then I am trying to not remember you as a loss but as something I was blessed to share. today is mother's day. And I know for a brief little while I was someone's mommy :)

9 Mondays

It has been 9 Mondays since I lost the baby. 9. I would like to tell myself and others that I am fine and that I am doing really well. I do not cry as much but that's not to say that it doesn't take every fiber of my being not to. For so long all I wanted was a baby but now to be honest I don't think I could take another loss. To try and succeed is one thing but to try and loose another baby would just crush me. We are considering adoption but he is the end of his bloodline and wants a boy of his own to carry on his name. I hope for better. I am still waiting for my heart to stop feeling like it is plastered together with tiny dots of super glue and might burst any second. I see it when I close my eyes and every Monday I do everything I can to keep my self glued together. Monday. That's how he refers to it. "Did you tell your mom about Monday?"..."I told my mom about Monday." I am under to impression that there will come a time when I stop counting Mondays but it is baby season and I am surrounded by pregnant friends that are having showers that I must grit my teeth and survive and I see their ultra sound pictures and all I can think is you would of told us what you were this month or we would of been picking names. You would of been here in September. I asked my friend Janet when it would stop feeling like my heart was missing and she said never. My MIL asked us if we were going to keep trying...I don't really know that we were ever really trying.
I am better,but not healed.
Hope all is well
Renni...

Not so great week.

You tell yourself that you would know things like if you were pregnant even a little bit. But really you don't always know. I thought I had PMS on crack for the past two months. I'm talking extreme mood swings. I ignored it thinking that I was just super tired from work or it was just Pms. A week ago today I lost a baby I didn't even know I had. I have wanted a baby for so long and I didn't even know it was there. All I can think was did I take a medicine I shouldn't? Was it that Smirnoff I had a month ago? Was it the crazy climbing/ Lifting/ stress that I have had at work? I have cried for a week now and I don't know how to stop. I feel horrible. Everyone says that it is a good thing! It means that things are working now! Im just not seeing the silver lining here. I will be feeling better and then out of nowhere it starts again it hits me like a mack truck. My poor boyfriend is just as upset as I am but he is putting on a good front and trying to be sweet to make me feel better. How can you grieve over something you never knew you had?

Hope all is well
Renni...